Tuesday, January 12, 2010

struggling with anger

I am really struggling with anger today and prob past few days. Its eating me up. I am so angry at the drs at the school, at Jeremiah, even at myself. Its effecting everything and seeping into everything. I am soooo sooo angry at the school bec they do the least minumum to help jeremiah and act like its the most. They put guilt trips on me if I say anything, just to shut me up. I am so fed up of eveything being a fight and a struggle with them. I am calling an iep meeting. We shall see if anything comes of it.

Today Jeremiah was very off. He was all over the place and he bit josiah for no reason. On the way out the door to school he freaked oyut about his toys because he was paranoid someone was going to play with them. I couldnt get him out the door. I came back in to pull him out and fell flat on my face. It hurt and I was an idiot and told Jeremiah I hated him. What the heck is wrong with me. It just came out and I meant it at that moment. Its not his fault for being the way he is but I am really struggling with deep resentment. It sucks. i dont want to feel this way.

I also am struggling with totally feeling like we failed in so many ways. If we had enough faith he would be healed. maybe we are demonized and that is why he is like he is because Ive lived such a screwed up life. thought after thought torments me that I caused this. or maybe there is really nothing wrong with him and I am crazy and I am the one causing all this. No one believes me when I say hes not ok, maybe I am the one who is delusional.

So I am struggling hard and sometimes just want to disappear. I feel so helpless.

Today we are off to children s to get his head put on for 3 days. I don't even really care if he has a sz. I am so tired of worrying about it. if it happens it happens.

So that is how I am right now. Pretty bleak and dark huh?

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