Late night I was feeling very blue, so I took a really hot bath and read my book Chris gave me for Christmas. Its called as we forgive. Its so good. Its the stories but each time she shows the forgiveness and the faith the people come to. Its so speaking to me. I have been so angry inside and I need to let it go. God is really moving in my heart re Rwanda and the middle of Africa. I really feel called there but because of our situation with Jeremiah it will be a while. I feel like the trip I am taking to Uganda this summer will be very pivital, to our lives and to what God has for us. God is shaking things up in my heart and preparing me. My goal is to spend more time with him, in his word, in journaling and letting him heal the brokenness of my heart so that I can be used by him. So last night through this book God changed my poor attitude.
I got out and decided to write the email Dr Wang asked me to for Dr Koh. I wanted to yell at her so to speak and demand to know why they are treating us the way they are. That was not the letter I ended up writing. Instead I begged her for help and poured my heart out. I do not know what to expect. When we first saw her I was terrified to go back to children's in Denver because of what they had done to him. God gave me this weird peace that overwhelmed me. I thought he was crazy and did not understand why he would give me peace about children's. Several times we were hospitalized the holy spirit would overwhelm me with this peace that I cant explain but had no connection with how my heart felt. He told me to trust. Something I do not do very easily. Things have not turned out well and it seems my fears are well seemed but god is above all that we think or know and so I am giving her one last chance. So I place Jeremiah in ods hands once more and ask that he take care of him, not understanding why things are the way they are.
Before the kids were born, even before I knew Chris, God radically saved me literally from death and then totally changed my life forever. He deeply healed my heart the first few months after I gave him my all. I had been told I could never have children. He first gave me a dream where he told me lots of things and then told me that after a time or trial and testing he would give me a daughter. In my dream I held her. I will never forget that, I can still see the image in my mind. That beautiful baby was my Beka joy. Then I was driving home from seeing my parents in Denver and I was praying to my beloved God and I had an open eyed vision of Jeremiah. I saw myself wearing a skirt and this cute little blond boy peeked out and I said to him Jeremiah you do not need to be shy. That was my Jeremiah. Last night I remembered this vision, and my heart broke into pieces because I do not understand why he has lost so much from when he was 2 or why we have had to suffer though all of this, the seizures, the fights for Dr's to treat, the fights with the school to educate, the fight to try and make friends understand and be there and not be condemning. I cried and cried and cried. The anguish of it all overwhelmed me.
I know that God loves me dearly and is with me through it all, holding me and healing me. I do not understand why we are not in Africa or Mexico or on the mission field somewhere. Someday it will all make sense. Someday there will be no more tears or sadness or hurt or betrayal. I look forward to that precious day that I get to see my precious saviors face.